Should You Help Your Ex?

For The One Who Can't Take the Ring Off

Should you help your ex-spouse? No. The end.

If only it were always that simple, right? For some of you, that’s all you need to read. For the rest of you, this may be the article you need to finish.

It’s the cold plunge of reality your psyche needs if you’re going to survive divorce.

Let’s be clear. The person sitting on the other side of the mediation table already has their ring off. This meeting’s not about fixing your marriage. It’s about who gets what. That’s not your lover on the other side. It’s a stranger with boxing gloves on. Proceed accordingly. Yes, that sounds cold. Divorce is a frigid volcano.

For the one still in love with your ex: Just because you’re not wearing gloves doesn’t mean they won’t take a swing. An even harsher truth? They know you’re still in love with them. Arms at your side won’t stop a right hook. That’s free money and trampled boundaries.

Here’s an uppercut: Your ex-spouse is like an enemy who will capitalize on your vulnerability. Enemy is a strong word. So is divorce.

Divorce is the cage match you never trained for.

What octagon has pictures of your children everywhere and spoons you both collected from all fifty states? How do you fight someone you’re still in love with? You can’t afford not to.

It’s an out-of-body experience. Like being dragged into an alternate reality of your worst nightmare and forced into decisions that follow you for years if you get them wrong. Being “in love” can be devastating. Your ex is counting on it.

You are no longer their priority. That’s a gut punch.

Dust finally settles. Reality grievously creeps in. A part of you still chases glimpses of the person you fell in love with. The phone rings. It’s them. They need money and they need it now.

Heartstrings take you for a ride. This was the person you pledged your life to, and they need your help now. What an opportunity! What a trap.

If there’s one thing to glean from this article: accept and live like you’re divorced. Because you are. Your money needs to accept it too. The only time finances need to be discussed is during divorce proceedings. Anything beyond that is overreach and possibly an attempt to exploit feelings you still have for them. This is a classic “have your cake and eat it too” situation. Ali called it the Rope-a-Dope. They wanted to end a life with you, just not the financial benefit you may have provided. Their current financial situation is most likely of their own doing. Don’t buy tickets to that circus.

Even in the aching, don’t sacrifice your finances during divorce proceedings. Dollars aren’t an olive branch to be extended. This doesn’t mean being cold-hearted and vicious. Divorce shouldn’t be a money grab. It’s self-preservation. Make financial boundaries clear and never extend beyond them. Even if your ex falls on hard times. It may be hard to watch. Just hide your pocketbook from view. You will lose every time if you don’t.

Children are often weaponized while determining custody, visitation schedules, and child support. It gets ugly fast. They become pawns in the knock-down-drag-out of which parent wins custodial superiority. You’re thrust into the cage against the person you lovingly created them with. If you’re fighting for your marriage, it’s tempting to “end the war” to preserve a chance for future reconciliation. It’s a lie self-told too often.

Giving up any kind of parental rights to ‘help’ your spouse sacrifices influence in your children’s lives. Don’t do it. The cost is too steep.

In the other corner stands the ex who continually needs you to watch the kids more so they can relive their college years. The junior in theta phi you’re still in love with. What a win/win! You get to see the kids more and show your ex how willing you are to be strung along. That’s not help. That’s enablement. Kids need both parents. When one is constantly pawning off their responsibilities, the kids start feeling like a burden to everyone. Standing your ground is the best way to help your spouse behave and your kids to feel valued.

You’re fired from helping with taxes, laundry, lawn care, remembering important dates, and running errands for them. Most importantly, you’re not a booty-call. Your attempts to ‘act’ married give your ex permission to stay just that. All the benefits, none of the responsibilities. Sounds like college. It confuses your children too. Most children want their parents to get the band back together again. No more visitations, just life under one roof. That’s the dream. When they see mommy and daddy playing pretend, it creates resentment and distrust. You’re not helping your spouse, only hurting your children.

Establish boundaries now. Your future spouse will thank you. Unless you’re hellbent on crippling your next marriage before it starts. If you’re still in love with your ex, understand that the probability of remarriage is extremely low. As in 6% low. The best thing you can do for yourself is begin living life as a single adult with children. Think of your former spouse accordingly. Pretend the only thing you share is the kids’ calendar. It’s hard to land a punch when your heartstrings can no longer be pulled into your ex.

How would your new spouse react to seeing your ex’s clothes still hanging in their closet? Want an instant reason for marriage counseling? Keep ‘helping’ the competition. That’s exactly how your new spouse will view it. When you help your ex, you’re writing them into the wedding vows. Remove their seat from the table of your marriage. The new spouse is the priority. Period.

Divorce is the ultimate rejection. The pain keeps you from seeing straight. For the one still in love, you’d do anything to get the other half of your heart back. Accepting that the person you planned to spend the rest of your life with no longer wants to. Agonizing. Continually helping them only lets the wound fester. They move on while you reel in agony and delusion.

Bob Newhart would tell you to ‘Stop It.’ I’m begging you to.

That’s a knockout.

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