I have experienced this. Pastors and church leaders got in my face to say "God will never use you again." In my mind, that translated as , "I guess they would rather me be dead at his hands." The thing is, how many of their marriages are truly perfect? or What other sin are they hiding in their life? It's not like divorce is the unpardonable sin or that I didn't pray and for 30 years.
Good article. I went through this. I always found it interesting that churches ignore and excuse the sins that lead to divorce. I also found it interesting that I was a victim of an unjust divorce, but was treated far worse then my adulteress ex. I was definitely the zombie described here. So I left. I think many others have left too after they experienced divorce.
You’re not the only one who’s experienced this. Churches are not equipped to handle divorce. Especially ones involving affairs. A spouse who has been cheated on is the victim. There has been a clear violation of the vows, it needs to be addressed. But it gets redirected to the spouse, asking what you did to cause the other to cheat…like it’s all your fault. This approach is never productive. Churches need to grow a spine.
That doesn’t surprise me that others have experienced similar. I would agree that the church needs to grow a spine. I remember being told verbatim “if you were a better head (per Paul) and husband she wouldn’t” do the things she did. I remember sitting there and realizing that the bible in its totality had no place in that office. Neither did accountability per the whole Bible. Those same pastors screamed at me and my young children publicy in the church, for letting the law take its course and removing their mother from us. I have seen similar pattern with myself and friends over the years, in many different churches. That is the church marries people with zero covenant, only addresses wife’s concerns, ignore sin, enable sin,allow adultery for wife, blame the husband for all problems, then act helpless when the divorce courts and law get involved. One of the largest tragedies I saw along with my treatment was that the church put it into my ex’s head that she wasn’t responsible for her actions, which has haunted her for 15 years now. It could have been a renewal for both us. I agree with you that the church is not equipped for divorce, but I would also argue its not equipped for biblical marriage either. Either way I do appreciate you addressing this issue as its so severe and honestly it has largely killed the churches. For the churches to thrive marriage and divorce must be addressed completely differently.
This is a good analogy with leprosy, which I’ve always viewed as a picture of sin. You mentioned the old cleansing ritual, which I just learned about. Apparently I skimmed over Leviticus 14 in my Bible-in-a-year-plan. But the priest applied sacrificial blood to the leper’s right ear, right thumb and right big toe to signify that all Christ’s sanctified ones have a hearing ear, an active hand, and a nimble foot to walk in the way that is called holy. So not only were they eventually cleansed, they were anointed back into service. I think that is the answer with divorce, addiction, or fill in the blank. Not only should we avoid labeling people facing these things, but we should help restore them to a path of service to help lend an ear and carve a path for others facing the same problems. Who better to help a recovering leper than a former leper.
Absolutely - we need to be all about restoring people back into ministry. I was that leper. I’m grateful for a group of pastors that walked with me through the darkest lows and encouraged me to back into pastoring. We need to do this with people in our churches.
Been there too. But God was kind and I now have a church family that understands that we all have a story but that does not define nor determine our future. Thanks for sharing and prayers for continued grace
See, this is why I love my church so much. There is no stigma for divorce. And while there would certainly be conversations over admitting an affair, that would all be coming from a place of love and helping to renew and restore. There certainly would not be a stigma attached. Love and generosity are paramount, and it's a lot of what keeps me coming back.
There is this balance between having grace with an affair while not dismissing the pain of it. Anyone who’s has experienced the pain of betrayal knows that a journey that comes with restoration. And the church should be right there with them. Love gets messy.
Absolutely. That kind of betrayal is never easy to deal with.
I can unfortunately say that I've been on both sides of that betrayal at different times in my life. There is real agony on both sides and we absolutely have to honor that and work through it with the support of a community to truly heal and restore.
It has long been my opinion that the church (and truly this is your fellow congregants more than the leadership, though that's important too) has to be able to be present with you through the mess, supporting without judgement while also acknowledging the pain that comes with it. That's the best (if not the only) way to truly come through it and be able to build back to a firm foundation of trust.
One thing I learned is that the people treating divorced people badly naturally sequester themselves inside church buildings. Out here, in the real world, there are brothers and sisters in Christ who forgive and restore. They forgive and heal because they have been forgiven much and healed much. They are 100% real. The very best healing comes in fellowship with other lepers, not seminary grads. When I hear someone yell "Unclean!" I walk over and introduce myself.
My name is unclean too, and I hear the heart of this article as it laments what most churches do. However, I am less passive than this article would suggest. I refused to sit in a corner alone. When the church refused to change in its perception of me, I refused to attend that same church forever. I trusted the LORD for a new church family, and I carefully searched until I found one. That’s the way, folk.
I have experienced this. Pastors and church leaders got in my face to say "God will never use you again." In my mind, that translated as , "I guess they would rather me be dead at his hands." The thing is, how many of their marriages are truly perfect? or What other sin are they hiding in their life? It's not like divorce is the unpardonable sin or that I didn't pray and for 30 years.
The longer and deeper we serve Christ, the more grace we should extend toward one another - thanks for sharing.
Good article. I went through this. I always found it interesting that churches ignore and excuse the sins that lead to divorce. I also found it interesting that I was a victim of an unjust divorce, but was treated far worse then my adulteress ex. I was definitely the zombie described here. So I left. I think many others have left too after they experienced divorce.
You’re not the only one who’s experienced this. Churches are not equipped to handle divorce. Especially ones involving affairs. A spouse who has been cheated on is the victim. There has been a clear violation of the vows, it needs to be addressed. But it gets redirected to the spouse, asking what you did to cause the other to cheat…like it’s all your fault. This approach is never productive. Churches need to grow a spine.
That doesn’t surprise me that others have experienced similar. I would agree that the church needs to grow a spine. I remember being told verbatim “if you were a better head (per Paul) and husband she wouldn’t” do the things she did. I remember sitting there and realizing that the bible in its totality had no place in that office. Neither did accountability per the whole Bible. Those same pastors screamed at me and my young children publicy in the church, for letting the law take its course and removing their mother from us. I have seen similar pattern with myself and friends over the years, in many different churches. That is the church marries people with zero covenant, only addresses wife’s concerns, ignore sin, enable sin,allow adultery for wife, blame the husband for all problems, then act helpless when the divorce courts and law get involved. One of the largest tragedies I saw along with my treatment was that the church put it into my ex’s head that she wasn’t responsible for her actions, which has haunted her for 15 years now. It could have been a renewal for both us. I agree with you that the church is not equipped for divorce, but I would also argue its not equipped for biblical marriage either. Either way I do appreciate you addressing this issue as its so severe and honestly it has largely killed the churches. For the churches to thrive marriage and divorce must be addressed completely differently.
This is a good analogy with leprosy, which I’ve always viewed as a picture of sin. You mentioned the old cleansing ritual, which I just learned about. Apparently I skimmed over Leviticus 14 in my Bible-in-a-year-plan. But the priest applied sacrificial blood to the leper’s right ear, right thumb and right big toe to signify that all Christ’s sanctified ones have a hearing ear, an active hand, and a nimble foot to walk in the way that is called holy. So not only were they eventually cleansed, they were anointed back into service. I think that is the answer with divorce, addiction, or fill in the blank. Not only should we avoid labeling people facing these things, but we should help restore them to a path of service to help lend an ear and carve a path for others facing the same problems. Who better to help a recovering leper than a former leper.
Absolutely - we need to be all about restoring people back into ministry. I was that leper. I’m grateful for a group of pastors that walked with me through the darkest lows and encouraged me to back into pastoring. We need to do this with people in our churches.
Been there too. But God was kind and I now have a church family that understands that we all have a story but that does not define nor determine our future. Thanks for sharing and prayers for continued grace
See, this is why I love my church so much. There is no stigma for divorce. And while there would certainly be conversations over admitting an affair, that would all be coming from a place of love and helping to renew and restore. There certainly would not be a stigma attached. Love and generosity are paramount, and it's a lot of what keeps me coming back.
There is this balance between having grace with an affair while not dismissing the pain of it. Anyone who’s has experienced the pain of betrayal knows that a journey that comes with restoration. And the church should be right there with them. Love gets messy.
Absolutely. That kind of betrayal is never easy to deal with.
I can unfortunately say that I've been on both sides of that betrayal at different times in my life. There is real agony on both sides and we absolutely have to honor that and work through it with the support of a community to truly heal and restore.
It has long been my opinion that the church (and truly this is your fellow congregants more than the leadership, though that's important too) has to be able to be present with you through the mess, supporting without judgement while also acknowledging the pain that comes with it. That's the best (if not the only) way to truly come through it and be able to build back to a firm foundation of trust.
I found a church family years ago that walked with me through my darkest season and I’m forever grateful for it.
This is so tragic.
One thing I learned is that the people treating divorced people badly naturally sequester themselves inside church buildings. Out here, in the real world, there are brothers and sisters in Christ who forgive and restore. They forgive and heal because they have been forgiven much and healed much. They are 100% real. The very best healing comes in fellowship with other lepers, not seminary grads. When I hear someone yell "Unclean!" I walk over and introduce myself.
-- Hank
Jesus did just that, going after people shunned by a religious culture. Thanks for the feedback!
My name is unclean too, and I hear the heart of this article as it laments what most churches do. However, I am less passive than this article would suggest. I refused to sit in a corner alone. When the church refused to change in its perception of me, I refused to attend that same church forever. I trusted the LORD for a new church family, and I carefully searched until I found one. That’s the way, folk.